Weenie roast

Lay where you're laying, don't make a sound

I know they're watching, they're watching
All the commotion, the kiddie like play
Has people talking, talking

You, your sex is on fire

--Kings of Leon: "Sex on Fire"

Sheeyit! Them wimmins is gone plum loco I tellya!

But seriously folks, when we posted about some modern furies a few days ago we never suspected that there were so many other cases of genital arson in recent history.

February 28, 2007. A Montréal woman was sentenced to four years in prison for pouring fondue fuel on her boyfriend's penis and torching it, while he slept.

The man later died of unrelated causes; in the incident he suffered 3rd degree burns and serious psychological trauma.

Attacker Andrée René got four years of prison, mandatory counseling and a court order to stay away from guns and combustibles for ten years. She was 44 years old at the time of sentencing.

August 22, 2007. This couple was divorced, but the high cost of apartments kept them roommates for three years. Apparently fed up with her philandering ex, our frustrated Muscovite set her ex's penis on fire as he sat in front of the TV. Naked. He'd been drinking vodka and fallen asleep.

Police made no predictions about his recovery. Perpetrator "Anna" was 41 years old at the time of her arrest.

December 8, 2008. "I just wanted to burn his penis so it belongs to me and no one else, I didn't mean this to happen." So stated the tad jealous Rajini Narayan, an Australian woman who poured a flammable liquid over her husband's crotch as he slept and then set it alight. Understandably shocked awake, the poor bastard knocked over the bottle of whatever product it was and caused the fire to spread, burning himself more in the process.

The man later died and Narayan was charged on January 6, 2009 with murder, arson and three counts of endangering a life (her kids were in the house it seems). She's also being ordered to have counseling. She was 44 years old at the time of her arrest.

* * * * * * * *

So. There is a lesson to be learned here. If you are a philanderer or even thinking about philandering--and your wife is of a certain age--don't leave anything easily flammable in the house. Hide the spirits, the fondue fuel, sterno cans, lighter fluid, gasoline, whatever! Throw away the candles the matches the tinderbox! Hell, don't watch TV naked, don't hug a friend and whatever you do, for God's sake man, don't go to sleep!!