This Day in History

On this day in history, December 23, 543 BC, Hans Trogloferson invented the candle. Torch-bearing critics of the day scoffed at Han’s handicraft, decrying its sissified expression—a mere one lumen output—as ridiculously ineffectual for chasing off cavebears. These naysayers failed to appreciate the practicality of a controlled flame in a Scandinavian hut with a flammable straw roof, and so the candle soon became the preferred indoor light source worldwide over, even arguably superior to the gaslighting which supplanted it—and subsequently burnt down Chicago and London (twice). In 743 AD, Hans was canonized in a blatant attempt to Christianize the pagan Vikings. The Church incorporated local Norse soltice/Hans traditions into the Christian calendar; to this day, Hans’ invention is celebrated on December 25 by the ritualistic lighting of fake little candles on Christmas trees. The story of Hans was further mythologized by the allegorical tale of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. Contemporary Catholics believe that Han’s left, pinky fingernail is held in the Nidaros Cathedral.