Saturday, June 24, 2017

Nazi Rock

If you balk at the idea of Confederate memorials, you'd surely be displeased to learn that for over 20 years a small memorial dedicated to six executed Nazi spies sat on Federal land.  From WaPo:
“In memory of agents of the German Abwehr,” the engraving began, “executed August 8, 1942.”
Below that were six names, and below those was another cryptic line: “Donated by the N.S.W.P.P.”
The  N.S.W.P.P.?  That would be the National Socialist White People’s Party, which until the mid-60's had been known as the American Nazi Party.

The granite slab was illegal, and officials debated how best to deal with it.  Some argued that the memorial be destroyed and the chunks tossed into the river, but conservationists won.  After determining the site wasn't a grave, one day in 2010 a forklift came and, under the supervision of a museum curator, lifted it into a truck and transported it to the storage facility where it still sits as Item OXCO-475, somewhere in a Maryland suburb of D.C.  The Park Service asked the Washington Post to be no more specific than that out of fear the memorial could yet become some kind of shrine.  The same kind of fear that drove the Russians to scatter Hitler's remains, for the CIA to dismember Che Guevara and bury the parts in various locations, or the Americans to dump Osama Bin Laden into the sea.  Rangers had already noticed the slab had been cleaned and at times had found it adorned with candles and deer bones.  And, for all the CIA's efforts, Guevara does have a shrine in Bolivia where he is worshipped like a saint.

I wonder how many other secret shrines dot the American landscape?  Swastika-shaped buildings aside, of course. (here | here).

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Squeezing the Joy out of the Plush Toy of Life

Dear Laws of Silence:

Sure, you may have heard of the soft-spoken and hard-drinking poet & novelist, but did you know of Charles Bukowski's sideline as a designer of "collectable" stuffed toys?

I didn't think so!

Apparently, "they" haven't released these in the US or UK so as not to damage Mr. Bukowski's street cred.  But in France, where the fine art of plush toy design is as revered as Camembert cheese and stripey shirts, they fly off the shelves like, um, wild horses running away over the hill.  Or something like that.  Models include the Impotent Old Drunk, the Scabby Crack Whore, the Unlucky Gambler and the Psychotic Hobo.

Now these are transitional objects to be proud of, to "de-simpify" your kids, who have no doubt been ruined by mawkish cuteness and glorified adverts:  in short, food for cretins.  Grab this bull by the balls and squeeze 'til it yells "Uncle!"

Or, as it would yell in France -- the talking bulls of  Limousin are legend:  "Oncle!"

Kind Regards,
Théophile Prades
Beaupuy, France

Sunday, June 4, 2017

Open Source Band Names List for as yet unnamed or non-existent bands

Crash Crew
Many years ago, 20+ years for sure, a friend and I started compiling a list of fake band names.  Every once in a while I add to my list, which I've collected into an Excel file, with sheets listing the names in the order I came up with them and also rearranged alphabetically.  The following list is ordered by date; you can see how dated it is by references to NYC Mayor George Patacki, George Bush I, Friends, Cuba Gooding Jr....

It's an original idea in as much as we started doing it one night on our very own, but it's certainly not unique.  I'm sure kids have been doing this since the beginning of Rock and Roll.  Years ago I saw a webpage dedicated to the idea and a Google search these days brings up a lot of hits.  And of course there are several Facebook groups dedicated to the concept. (I was motivated to finally put this online by the Fictitious Band Names Repository but there are other groups).

But I'm gonna stay away from groups and keep my list here.  My proposal is this.  Anyone can use a name, but if you don't put on a show or put out an album, the name will remain free for the taking.  If someone uses it for a show or a release, it will be taken off the list and people will have to respect the "first come, first served" rule.

My only condition is that if you use the name for a release, you have to credit me somewhere in the liner notes, i.e. "Thanks to Laws of Silence" and provide a link to this post.  I'd also ask that you send me a copy of your album, LP's preferred!

If by some miracle you do very well, like get super-famous and wealthy, you can cut me a generous but reasonable check to alleviate my chronic near-poverty.  Seriously, I'm sick of scrabbling and any extra spondulics in my account would be more than welcome.  I will update the list irregularly as I add new names.  BTW, the very first band name I came up with was for a comic I made, even before my friend and I started this project.  The name was Crash Crew and, as it turns out, is actually the name of a real band.  A terrible name name actually, like many of the names to follow.  Some of them are pretty good, but mostly, they're just silly, often an excuse to make awful puns, which is another hobby of mine....

So, without further ado, the list.

Open Source Band Name List for Non-Existent or as yet Un-named Bands

Bloody Udders                           
Goon Squad                           
Genie Patacki                           
Electric Liquor Binge                           
The Ace of Dwarf                           
The Ankle-Biters                           
Love Blob                           
Acute Torque Wrench                           
The Wafflers                           
The Thousand Points of Light                           
The Allergies                           
Chicken-Fried Gomez                           
Chicken-Fried Swamp                           
Beer Baby                           
La-La Landrover                           
Clever Dick                           
Chef Boys are Dead                           
Noble Fink                           
Friends Cast Bus Crash                           
Kaiser Mouse                           
Never Say Satan                           
Cuba Freebie                           
Young Goodman Brownie                           
Cheryl Cow                           
The Moops                           
Crack Attack                           
Line-Item Peephole                           
Bubble is Us                           
Rüsty Omën                           
Ace of Pooch                           
Elefunk Sackrace                           
Berkeley Boobwreck                           
Eyeline Elfboat                           
The Carbonators                           
Barley Boy                           
The Right Wingnuts                           
Social Piddle                           
Sonny Distortion                           
Rock Ball                           
Johnny and the T-Cells                           
H.I. Glee Club                           
G. Gordon Pity                           
Apple Dumpling Gang War                           
Sun Hop Station                           
Ken-L-Ration X                           
G.I. Germ                           
9-Mile Leg                           
Radical Sheik                           
Radical Platypus Bark-Bark                           
Sausage Club                           
Tongue Plant                           
Binder Clip                           
Morning Glory Hole                           
Certified Rattle Rocket                            
The Awshucks                           
Spunky Punk                           
The Plumbers                           
G-Bone Jimmy                           
Peter Paul and the Popstones                           
Pork Rind                           
River Dip                           
Roof Mania                           
Rickshaw to Heaven                           
Bunghole & Willie                           
The Raga and Bone Men                           
Minneapolis Headswim                           
Hornet Bag                           
Tribal Noize                           
The Coffeecups                           
Alonius Macaw                           
Felonius Monk                           
Fella Fella                           
Public Enema                           
Enemy Mein Kampf                           
Market Cher                           
Magic Marky                           
Imps of the Perverse                           
Nukey Brown                           
5-Alarm Murphy                           
Kiss n’ Cozen                           
Sin and a Half                           
Q-Bert Humperdink                           
Sonny No Bone                           
Pol Pot Head                           
Ubiquitous Elk Poop                           
Vanilla Cornice                           
Iced P                           
My Mesomorphic Doppelganger                           
Black Dog Imp                           
Rhythmic Coughing                           
Turn Yer Head And                           
Pawn Pusher                           
Hanson Neez                           
Punch the President                           
Czech Mate                           
Visceral Intent                           
Triumph of the Willard                           
Summer Salt                           
Beer Hall Pooch                           
Atomic Ribcage                           
G. Motion                           
Red Nectar                           
PBR Streetgang                           
Capt. Queer and the Butt Pirates                           
Waves of Damon                           
We Like Sawyer                           
Radio Devils                           
John Wesley Hard-on                           
The Whorenets                           
Ectomorph Slim                           
Trump It!                           
Trumpets of Doom                           
Turnip Master                           
Tears for Tots                           
Are You Syria?                           
Shit Creek Paddlers                           
Toothless in Seattle                           
Cigar City Singers                           
Insect Division                           
Mope Street                           
David Buoy                           
The Birthers                           
Ass, Innate Ass                           
Tiny Hands                           
Pee Club                           
Hobo Diddly                           
Hobo Derek Jeter                           
My and Me Vice                           
Herr Owen Harry                           
Bilge-Pump Billy                           
Barrack Alabama                           
3-Alarm Satan                           
Bliss Beams of Cunt                           
Luv It & Leave It                           
Nat King Coal Mine                           
The Boot Liquors                           
Sharon & Karen                           
Justin Thyme and the Close Calls                           
Almost There!                           
Top Ten Hitler                           
X Flies                           
Hate Train                           
Gomer's Piles                           
God is a Woman (with a Big Penis)                           
Lesbian Divorce                           
Needle of Truth                           
Cuckster Bubble                           
Huge Fantastic Flames                           
Snowflake of Denial                           
Sam Sung Songs                           
Soup Wagons

The list continues (Part II)