Friday, June 10, 2011

"Love Ain't Sweet!"

Brief Treatise on Choco, 1995 collage by Timothy Wilson

Thanks too our pal .sWineDriveR. (previously mentioned here) for yet another cool new banner.  Just in case you're wondering what it all means, check out Choco on Plastic Tub:

The origin is simple. A small alien probe descends upon earth, dispensing pancakes and sausages to befuddled farmers, nomads, tribesmen and campers. Eventually it falls into the hands of U.S. government agents, who succeed in discovering the probe's mission. In addition to providing the alien race's favorite foods to the Earth-masses, it contains alien DNA and instructions on how to turn the raw material into an alien capable of sharing its wisdom. The device for making the transformation is built from material found readily in any American kitchen. But there is a problem. An Air Force Colonel attached to the project, a religious fanatic, sabotages the device which he believes to be a Satanic plot.

As the experiment begins, a scientist munching a bar of chocolate is caught in an unfortunate explosion, but instead of dying, begins a slow transformation. After 27 agonizing days, he emerges from his room as a five-foot chocolate bar. He walks, he talks. He is an anthropomorphic chocolate bar. His powers include telepathy, levitation and telekinesis, in addition to an almost inexhaustable range of knowledge and abilities. He is subjected to a barrage of tests and it is determined that Choco's DNA is a mix of human, alien and chocolate bar.

True scholars will also want to check out Choco Cults:

These groups are not linked, and are often in violent opposition to one another. However, they are all obsessed with creating a rich and creamy milk-chocolate homunculus.

What is mystifying about the cults is that they seem oblivious to the fact that their violent activities are anathema to the spirit in which Choco conducts himself. Irregular Choco public service announcements seem to have no effect at all. Some pundits are led to wonder, at times aloud, if this is not merely an expression of "the end justifies the means mentality gone awry, amok even" (Dan Rather), but a "Psy-op perpetrated by Gnomes" (Michael Hoffman).

On the other hand, take care not to succumb to Choco-Envy:

Fondle examined the lifestyle of four children from the Midwestern town of Silonon, Kansas, and elaborated a complex treatise revolving around their use of mediated entertainment, translation devices and "hyper-sexual grimacing, the untoward bending of limbs and a striking predisposition for shapeless homunculi, robots and monsters of all variety."

Thanks .sWineDriveR.!  And thanks also to Kevin Statham, author of Choco's motto:  "Love Ain't Sweet!"

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